Memoirs

Love 2 hate U

2011-11-28T09:24:00.000-08:00

This is a new show by my favourite model Arjun Rampal and after having watched one and a half episodes I am nowhere near hating it. I think I have begun loving this show. Half the battle is won since I just swoon over Arjun Rampal. I know most of the people out there would want to kick me on my rear for liking Arjun Rampal. Unfortunately he did not turn out to be a good actor, but there is no denying he set the ramps on fire. Also, he came to the limelight with Mr. India's title and that was when I used to be a teenager. I took to liking him immediately and just loved watching him in song albums and advertisements back then. Anyways, more than Arjun Rampal I want to talk about his show.

He calls those people on the show, who hate a particular celeb very badly. He first makes the person vent out his hatred for that celeb on camera and then shows this tape to the celeb. And then comes the most interesting part......a confrontation of the hater and the hated. The episode that I watched had Chetan Bhagat and Farah Khan's haters. What an episode it was! Finally both the celebrities try to convert the haters to non-haters. They are then rated on the hater’s hate-o-meters.

I am becoming a huge fan of Chetan Bhagat these days and I somehow do not like Farah Khan. So these two people in the same episode were good to watch. I liked the simplicity and humility of Chetan Bhagat. He said it is important to come face to face with your hater also since it makes you humble. What a nice attitude. Also, when Farah Khan was shown the video of her hater who strongly condemned her movie Tees MarKhan, Arjun Rampal suggests that they play a prank on her hater. Farah says let us tie him up and make him watch Tees Markhan again. I just loved her sporting attitude. One knows that this aspect of mine is being hated and you go ahead and make fun of it. It all requires guts, courage and a very sporting attitude. Above all it requires being extremely sure of yourself. Right or wrong..... You are sure of yourself.

This could be a remake of some American show or something, but I love this Indian version. Short and sweet it does not drag for long hours and shows a different aspect of the celebs. It is easy to handle praise I guess but very difficult to handle criticism.
Keep watching Arjun Rampal.....oops Love2HateU:-)

Hanged to Death!

2011-09-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

Today the morning started with the usual chaos and shouting that goes on every morning, the children have school and both of us have to reach work. I kept on hurling scoldings at my kids for not getting up on time, not preparing their school bags in advance and not getting ready in time. To top it all my domestic help made some foolish mistakes which added fuel to my growing anger. Nothing new till here. When I reached the bus stop to drop my younger one I saw lots of police vehicles and the ever-curious crowd of on-lookers. Not being able to sustain my curiosity any longer I peeped down the lane where people were gathered and was wondering whether there has been a fight or a robbery. To my horror I saw a body hanging limp from a tree with a rope. He must have been a young man of no more than 20 years and looked like he committed suicide. It shook me to my roots and I uttered 'Oh my God!'. It became difficult to cover the distance of 5 minutes to home and on reaching home I broke down in front of my husband. I was shaking with the shock. Those 5 minutes to home made me think that yes, if a person commits suicide he is definitely to be held responsible for not being strong enough to hold-on to life. But what about the words of the person that triggered this step, if that was the reason. That living person probably lives throughout life, regretting and full of guilt. His life becomes much more worse than death of his loved one. I thought about my carelessness in hurling screams and scoldings at my children and thought how I don't even give it a thought, what effect it is having on the children. Even for that matter what effect these high-pitched words have on my domestic help. Watever a person does because of my actions I don't know but my reaction to his action wouldn't be lesser than living hell itself.

That was God's big way of teaching me small things.

Is the transition to being a full-time Mom and wife ever complete?

2011-05-31T22:46:00.000-07:00

As in many other cases I have observed that a change triggers my muse and many latent questions once again raise their head up. This time the transition from a small apartment to a big independent house in a new area acts as the wild trigger. This small-for-some transition actually triggers the bigger question which I always keep pushing towards the back benches of my mind. The question is-- have I truly become a house-wife? A house-wife these days as per the Census commission is nothing short of a beggar who contributes nothing to the per capita income of the nation. And if there are more house-wives like me then probably a category will be created who always minus the per capita income of a nation.

It all started some 8 years ago when I too was a promising (at least to me) young IT professional with eyes set on the big comfortable chairs in independent posh cabins of the VP. A surprise visit from the stork and I was handling a bundle of joy--my son. Questions began to arise---choose career or enjoy motherhood full time? Anyhow, strong inclinations and a lot of support from my husband helped me put in my resignation and I was a free bird. The journey to becoming a full time mother and wife was not as easy as I had thought it to be. There were moments when I actually repented my decision. Suddenly I discovered I was left to be good at nothing. Till now my job had covered all the flaws of home caring in the pretext of having less time on hands. But now whatever I did had to be the best and it never was. I never matched the standards of good house wives. All my near and dear ones threw away my education and talent to the bin, the moment I was jobless. I was competing against females who had been trained to become home carers right from childhood whereas I had been trained to become an executive (in those chairs I described above). Still I was never good enough. A few years down the line I decided to be my own judge and put all competition down the drain. But not before I had made life hell for myself, my ever supporting husband and my little children growing up ever so slowly.

I don’t know if it is my education or training or my mental set-up but I could never resign myself to be a full time home carer and yet be content with it. I kept trying to find teeny-weeny challenges for myself within the four walls and competed with myself. Yet this did not satiate my hunger to do something. I went through hordes of options like taking up higher education and starting a career in teaching, once kids began school full time. I considered starting a variety of small businesses so that I could keep one eye reserved for home. All these past 8 years were a struggle of their own without any prodding from anyone and yet I was not content. Now I know that a job like IT/MNC with timeless commitments is not for me. Still the bird is not free. I took up learning Japanese language as a prospective future career and more as a way to pass time, make friends and moreover to challenge my rusting brain. I did pretty well in that too. But this part time activity has again become a full time struggle of trying to maintain a balance between me and home. Also now the question is what next? The jobs that I studied for throughout my life now require so much of time that I can't make my family suffer for the jobs. If I take up anything new it again requires a lot of time to settle in that field and I would be so old byt then.

Now as I sit in a new big house like a watch dog watching over, looking after the high maintenance, looking after the kids; the same questions creep up.I have lot of work at hand but less at mind. I have a daily list of pending jobs to do which will actually beautify my new home but not make me a bit happier. The idea of decorating my new home with passion does not fill me with equal amount of joy. Any other content woman would have felt on top of the world in my situation but not me. Yes, I have heard long lectures of so many spiritual gurus and read many a Robin Sharmas on contentment, yet it seems like a mirage to me.

All these things and more make me question my decision again and again. Was I not born to be and destined to be a house-wife? How long will I sail in two boats? When will the transition get over? When can I become a house-wife and yet be content with it? I wonder if there are more females like me or am I the rarest of all? Sometimes I feel that I am becoming very selfish and sometimes I feel I am doing a great job. I know home-caring is a 24 x 7 job and a tough one, but I also know it is the most thankless one. I don’t know if I have earned any brownie points so far but I always have a list of things which I didn’t do. This list --- courtesy of me and my loved ones, keeps on growing longer day by day.

Can someone tell me if the transition from a dreaming professional to a satisfied housewife is ever complete in anyone's case?

A Grand daughter-in-law's Tribute to a LEGEND!!

2011-01-05T23:58:00.000-08:00

On the first day of this new year, my grandfather-in-law passed away. It was a very shocking, traumatic and sad incident. More so because he took his last breath in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do. Not even his sons who are doctors could do anything more. He lived to be 88. When I look back at my journey I see that I came to this family 11 years ago and with a little bit of negative image about him. I never ever dreamt at that time that this illusion could shattter and be replaced with immense respect and love for him. The passing years held me in awe of him as he gradually became my role model. I have read about so many real life heroes but had the good fortune of witnessing one which was my grandfather-in-law. I never could know when he ceased to be just an 'in-law' and became a guiding post. Every few minutes that I spent with him taught me something new. His passion for his work kept him going till the age of 88. He was a man of iron-will power, extreme self respect and self discipline. He had full control not over himself but also his vast family. He has seen and suffered so much, yet never broken down. In a family of more than 50 members he had full involvement in each one's development and growth. He was a man much ahead of his times. He was the first one to buy a scooter, a television, a satellite cable and even a computer, in his home town. He was the one to never back down. He was not afraid of new ideas and experimentation. This earned him immense respect not only at his native place but also all over the country. He became the founder person of All India Nureserymen Association. In the field of horticulture he is a renowned figure. You name a place in India and he has some or the other contact there.

Once he got an idea to prepare a directory of all the people running nurseries all over India to bring them together. Even the daunting age of 80 could not stop him from travelling in the whole country from state-to-state and village to village, collecting names and details of the nurseries. At the age of 76 he got an idea to start planting gladiola flowers in India. For this he travelled to Netherlands, learnt the technology there and brought those bulbs to India which he went on to plant successfully.

He had a very good reading habit and read on innumerable topics. His collection of books has now been converted into a library. He was very keen on translating a rare alternative medical treatment book of Urdu into Hindi to prevent it from extinction. He was a non-believer yet believed strongly in the theory of Karma. Given the era he was born in, he believed strongly in education, creativity, equality and also the principle of "be your own boss". He tried for every child and grandchild to become an entrepreneur. He was strictly against dowry and valued punctuality highly. Even the wedding party of the grooms of his family never reached late. He wished to donate his eyes and also his body for medical research.

His small tricks of teaching children were incredibly simple. He kept young children engaged by making them read out his newspaper and post to him. He corrected all his children and grandchildren by paying attention to small details of pronunciation and grammar. My husband tells me that as a child he and his cousins helped Grandpa in writing letters related to nursery work which went a long way in improving their communication skills. My husband says that his well appreciated communication skills at work are known to be clear and to-the-point for which his grandpa's contribution is very high. He even went on to make a 33 acre property out of nothing. When that agricultural land was sold, it pained me very much because I thought my cildren will never know the legacy they belong to. Also his passing away has deprived my children of knowing the legend himself and growing under his care.

His closest resemblance lives on in his son who is a doctor and who served him in his last days and a grandson who is my husband. My husband's Doctor uncle was not on very agreeable terms with my grandfather-in-law. But the funniest part and the most beautiful part of it is, that it was because they are so much alike in their attitude and self-confidence;-)

The way he lived his life fearlessly is an inspiration to me and my husband. I hope my children can also learn something from his tales.

Classical singing and dance.... a spiritual journey

2010-08-27T06:28:00.000-07:00

In a newspaper I recently read an article in "The Speaking Tree". It talks about spirituality and this time tried comparing the learning of classical music to a spiritual journey. It is so true! The great gurus/teachers of classical dance and singing, keep on making the disciples practice the same 'sur' or 'step' for days and days and in some cases even months. Are the learners so stupid that they pursue music/dance and cannot learn one sur/step correctly in some hours? No it is not so. The Guru actually knows when the sur/step has come out correct because it is correct when it comes straight out of the heart. The article quotes an example of Ustaad Aamir Khan saheb who made his disciple practice one single sur for a year till the singer was one with that note. How spiritual! And so, I too feel that yes any type of classical dance or singing or be it learning any talent/art it is a type of 'sadhana' which requires patience, perseverance, discipline, hard work and also propels you in a constructive direction. I have very rarely heard classical singers or dancers speak their learning in terms of degrees or qualifications. They always tell the number of years that they learnt that music or dance.

I know, I missed the boat and didn't learn any music and dance, but I hope my children get to experience this side of spirituality too. As for me, I will have to find spirituality in something other than music and dance;-)

My return to India after 2 years.

2010-01-21T05:18:00.000-08:00

I guess most of us who come back to India after some time abroad in the west, go through the same feelings that I have tried to pen down in a small poem here. Now I am back to my ususal self but initial few days back home were tough. That is when I wrote this poem. Now when I read it I laugh at myself. Now it seems fun though, then it wasn't. But as my blog is called "Memoirs" I need to put it here.

मातृभू ने मेरा किया स्वागत,
मन झूम उठा देख मेरा महान भारत.

स्वागत किया मेरा कुछ रुंधे से कंठ ने,
कहीं किसी कोने में सड़ते कूड़े की गंध ने,
फूलों से मुस्कुराते चेहरों ने,
उडती हुई धुल और मिटटी के ढेरों ने.

स्वागत किया कुछ नम-सी भीगी पलकों ने,
सड़क पर खुदे हुए गड्ढों से लगते झटकों ने.
स्वागत किया कुछ दबी तो कुछ उभरी उमंगों ने,
गाड़ियों के शोर से उठती ध्वनि की तरंगों ने.

स्वागत किया अपनों के बरसते हुए प्यार ने,
बिना नियमों के चलती गाड़ियों की कतार ने.
अच्छा है बुरा है, जैसा भी है यह देश मेरा है,
यहाँ बरसते प्यार में ही जीवन का सवेरा है.

सारे जहां में, हर परदेस में, सुख है, सुविधा है,
कहाँ रहूँ कब तक रहूँ, मन में बस यही दुविधा है.

क्या करूँ, हालत हो गई है धोबी के कुत्ते जैसी,
न घर की ही रही न ही अपना कोई घाट है,
मन को लुभाती है सोने की नगरी लंका जैसी,
वहां का सुख, वहां की बातें, सब में निराला ठाठ है.

कभी कभी मन धिक्कारता है कि अपना महान देश दूर से ही क्यों लुभाता है,
पर गंदे घर में, प्रदूषण और धुंए की गर्द में,
साँस लेने में और बिमारी को पास बुलाने में दिल बड़ा घबराता है.

Ekta Kapoor’s serial reel life and real life

2009-09-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

Today I sat down to pen down some sad thoughts while experiencing a bad incident. When I tried to read my own thoughts I found they were so very similar to Ekta Kapoor serials. It gives me a scare to think that the lady might be proved right after all. Her heroine or the Goody is me here and the vamp is another baddy in my life. All her vamps and villains are expensively dressed with the latest designer wear. Most of her Goodys are simply dressed (read poorly in my case). I take the liberty of calling myself a heroine ;-). Since I am the one writing this piece, I at least deserve that much credit. Her Baddys never miss overhearing the right secret (gehra raaz!). Her Goodys are all naive without a hint of anything conspiring right under their noses. Her Baddys are always the first ones to hit the target and never miss a chance to do so. In my case same is the story.

When I compare Ekta Kapoor’s serials and some of my own experiences, I feel what good is it to be good after all. The baddies always have their own say and yet can face anyone with head held high and piercing gaze. It feels as if Ekta Kapoor’s serials are here to teach that it is better to be bad after all. The Goodys always suffer. The lifelong sufferings of Goodys from generation to generation at the hands of Baddys are so damn de-motivating. A few of my experiences have forced me to ponder. I keep brooding all day. The baddy here has done her share of bad-mouthing against me without knowing the exact story on my side. The goody (with which I proudly baptise myself) here didn’t even get a chance to say her mind. Still the baddy is able to manipulate everyone else around them into thinking that she is a Goody after all. To top it all the Baddy claimed to be a very “good” and “close” friend of Goody. The foolish Goody did not even see through the real Baddy till the matters had gone out of hand.

Why does not the goody have the guts to say and spread things about the Baddy? I guess that’s what Goodys are for. They are born to tolerate and that is why they are Goodys after all. The Goody keeps her self-respect on high priority and breaks all links with Baddy but never ever tries to malign the Baddy.

Does one really pay in real life to be bad after all? Does the good actually get returns for the good, in real life?

What motivates the Goody to remain Goody after all? Why should I not leave the path of righteousness if it pays me with a loss? The bad people I feel never have to take the hard "tests" of life. It is always the good ones who are taking hard tests in life and still winning. But is this winning any good?

Isn't the term goody and baddy relative? For one a baddy could be goody and for one a goody can be baddy. I don't know what am I writing. It is one o'clock at night and I am so upset too. Probably my mind is too overworked with the incident and then the torture of penning it down. So I should give my mind a rest with.............

............A big pat on my back for being the Goody.

RAGS TO DITCHES!!

2009-03-18T16:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, this refers to the recent death of a teenager who was ragged till he was taken to the grave. This teenager’s only crime being that he was a fresher in the college he chose for his career.

Ragging to the levels of physical injury and, even death in some cases like these, is totally unacceptable. And it should be for any society that calls itself civilised. These teenagers who enter college at the age of 18, get a right to drive, get the right to vote...do they really deserve it? Are they surviving only to snatch their rights without fulfilling any moral duties towards humanity and society?
More than a crime, ragging has become a social evil. Just like female infanticide, child marriages, sati etc this can only be eradicated by bringing awareness in the society. It cannot be curbed by bringing a law into force. A law has never stopped anyone from wrong doing. In spite of severe punishments for murders and killings they are still being committed and that too on an ever increasing rate. More than law makers we need some character makers. Some role models in the society may help. Some more education on telling right from the wrong is needed. More than degrees we need education in its right sense. What can we expect from others when such incidents take place in medical colleges? Here students enter with a dream to become life savers and end up being life takers. How does the society rely on such doctors? They dream and strive to build big, successful careers and never think of becoming a successful human being.

The evils in society will not stop at this. Earlier it was lack of education for all, now it is ragging horror, tomorrow it could be something else. Till the date society exists, some or the other evils will pop up their heads. It depends on how prepared the society is to face them. How aware are we? Do we retrospect our own past and present? Is it more important to give the right amount of money for admissions or is it more important to give the right amount of education to be prepared for admissions?

Shame....A virtue long lost!

2009-01-14T14:43:00.000-08:00

Surprising isn't it that shame can be a virtue after all. But shame here is not as in getting shame, but, shame as in feeling shamefulness on a wrong doing. Shamefulness is actually a virtue even for the least virtuous person alive.

Recently the whole world saw Mumbai held ransom, Mumbai helpless, Mumbai fighting, Mumbai reacting, Mumbai angry and above all Mumbai demanding answers. What we also saw was shameless people everywhere. Shameless police waiting for NSG to interfere in the most horrid terrorist attack on Mumbai. Shameless Shivraj Patil quietly resigning without having to account for the terrorist attack. As if he sacrificed so much for the country by giving up his post. Shameless Narayan Rane, just days after the attack, threatening to bring down the government on not becoming the chief minister. Shameless Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi comparing the angry Mumbaikars to terrorists in J&K. Shameless media flaunting only anger and violence in our faces. Shameless A.R.Antulay suggesting that ATS chief Hemant Karkare's death was a conspiracy of some kind. And again that same shameless A.R. Antulay defiant about his statement causing an uproar. And yet again that same shameless Antulay going back on his words when his ministerial position was at stake.

And recently our shameless neighbour denying that Qasab(the lone caught-alive terrorist) is a Pakistani, when Qasab has admitted to it, his parents have and the whole world has proved that he is a Pakistani. Shameless Pakistan yet again saying that proofs, sent by India to prove Pakistanis are involved in the attacks, are insufficient.

And most recently the shameless Mayawati saying her party had nothing to do with the PWD engineer's death regarding collection of donations for her 'Birthday Celebrations'. Yet the shameless Mayawati goes on to celebrate her Birthday as 'virodhi party dhikkar diwas'(down with opposition day).

Above all the shameless we, who take in all this and sit tight-lipped, so nice and cosy. Other than writing and speaking a few words here and there, we do nothing.

God knows when(?) the whole world...all of us, will learn to stand upright on OUR OWN backbones, accept the responsibilities of our doings and at least feel shameful for what we have done.

Happy Diwali!!

2008-10-29T05:02:00.000-07:00

Happy Diwali to all my friends out there. For most of the people in India, Diwali is a festival everyone looks forward to and so do I. It is a major festival of the year. This Diwali in UK here was very good. At least we got the feeling of Indian Diwali to a large extent. My son was very excited on doing "decorations" for Diwali. We had a gathering planned for some friends and we had a surprise visit from few more friends. It was actually full of fun and excitement with sweets flowing in.

The surprise factor of friends meeting each other on Diwali makes it more special. I feel, the growing advancement of technology has filled life with more of inhibitions than convenience. One particular thing that I not so like is visiting friends by appointment. The sophistication of our lives tempts us to call in advance to meet each other. But it cannot match the joy of meeting without purpose and without appointment. The technological revolution has brought people apart I feel, rather than bring them close.

Being away from home(India) also makes us slog for the Indian sweets. I found that everyone here has put in enormous effort to make some or the other Indian sweet. And homemade sweet has never been valued more I guess. It was fun exchanging each others' handmade sweets. When we were young all sweets were made at home. At that time we valued the sweets purchased from markets more. And now when most of us can afford readymade sweets, home made sweets have become so precious.

All in all it couldn't have been better. A wonderful and memorable Diwali!!

THE KITE RUNNER

2008-10-07T02:42:00.000-07:00

Recently I got a chance to read "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini. And I must say the book is brilliant. A very good book in a long time.

The story is set in the pre-Talibani Afghanistan and touches many issues together. It gives a glimpse of the Afghani culture in their happy days, the invasion of Soviet, the Taliban rule and also a very personal and emotional issue of friednship. The Taliban attrocities will surely make you scream with frustration.

The story of two friends Aamir and Hassan is very moving. The undying love of Hassan for his friend makes me cry. Hassan there is so innocent and pure that he actually presents you with an aspect of uncoditional love which I find hard to imagine. Then the redemption of Amir for his sins is also very touching. It actually presents the meaning of commitment in a new light. Unconditional commitment...pure 100% love. Makes me feel very small for the level of my love and commitment.

There is a very good conversation of Amir and his father(Baba) about sin which gives us some food for thought. I couldn't resist putting it down for long keeps:

Baba said, "No matter what the mullah teaches, there is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft. do you understand that?"
"When you kill a man, you steal a life, You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness."
" There is no act more wretched than stealing, Amir," Baba said. A man who takes what's not his to take, be it a life or a loaf of naan...I .....".

As my husband also says that taking more than your rightful share is a sin and multiplies and comes back to us. Maybe it needs a deeper pondering afterall!

If it is actually fiction then it is the work of a genius. But even if a small percentage of it is true then it is very moving. A must read book.

Back to blogging!!

2008-09-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

Kids are back to school after a long and hectic summer vaccation and for the same reason I am back to blogging. I hope I will sustain the writing;-))

Summer vaccation in UK was good. Had some very nice visits to beaches, amusement parks, sea life park, safari and above all Scotland. Scotland was real good and can be described mostly as a driving tour. But definitely one of the best in a long time. God! what a gift Scotland is to UK. Looking at all the sheep in Scotland couldn't help remembering my friend meaaaooowww's blog on Scotland that too several times. You can read it here: http://srobs101.blogspot.com/2008/03/look-sheep

My little daughter has also joined a playgroup;something that can be associated to a school. So now we both are having first-time-at-school blues! she cannot stop being petrified of the school and I cannot stop getting (over)reactive. But things are beginning to smoothen out a bit.

That was the summary of my life so far; as if anyone bothers to miss my writing.

I hope more of my blogs pour in, like the rain in UK and so do readers' comments;-))

Gold for India at Olympics!!

2008-08-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

Today the morning was really a good one that kick started with the news of Indian shooter Abhinav Bindra winning a Gold medal for India. A gold medal for the country in 28 years and a first individual one in the 80 years of Indian Olympic history. He is a real hero. And there’s a valid reason to celebrate as well.

At last the face of India is changing in the Olympics. At last we can see something beyond cricket and bollywood. Thankfully there are people we know other than Tendulkar and Amitabh Bachhan. I am not against cricket or bollywood but the craze over it drives me crazy.

But it is still so painful that a country populated by 100 crores can produce only one gold medallist in 28 years. The reasons could be varied. We just gained our independence only a few years ago. The progress path has been difficult. We still feel it is better to have a career which guarantees a steady flow of income rather than that which your heart desires. Sports are still considered a part time hobby or recreation and not a full time career.

Let there be a cricket match and the whole country seems to be under a curfew. Most people won’t watch even an international hockey match of India but yes, local cricket match (read IPL) makes great business.

Hope that Sania Mirza, Vishwanathan Anand, Rajyavardhan Rathore and above all Abhinav Bindra can break us free from this mental slavery. KUDOS !!

Near Drowning Experience!!

2008-07-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

Since quite a few weeks now, I have been trying to learn swimming with the help of friends. I have been frequenting a nearby swimming pool club. I knew a few basics but hadn’t practised since long. With the excuse of taking kids to swim and have fun I tried taking up swimming on my own from where I had left a few years ago. Initially it was difficult but gradually I was able to do it. Now since a few days I was able to go to the deep waters and swim a couple of laps with comfort. Still a small fear or rather a caution was always on my mind. Today I was very confident of myself and swam quite well for about half an hour. Then suddenly something happened and I got panicky in the water. As soon as the panic came ,I lost control of my movements. I forgot all hand and leg movements and all breathing instructions I had got so many times from friends. Within seconds I realised I was beginning to drown. A friend was nearby, who herself is a learner and I called her to help me. All I was looking for was a small support to take control of my swimming movements. Usually I don’t stray too much away from the wall. But this time, to make matters worse I was way too away from any kind of support. The friend who came to help me tried to grab me from the waist thinking she would be able to pull me out. But I was trying to hold her shoulder to get some support. The impact of this whole thing was that I was going down deeper and deeper into the water and pushing my friend also down. The whole process resulted in both of us drowning. Finally she let go off me and took to a wall for support. I started shouting for help whenever my body rose up onto the surface of water. The compounded panic made me forget all the actions and movements of swimming. My senses were totally at loss. At that time my mind understood only one thing and that was FEAR. But thank God and that angel-like life guard who acted promptly and saved me in time. She took me out of water and made me sit on the shore. It took me quite a few minutes to calm down and regain normalcy. I was shaking with fright. With lots of instructions from the various life guards around I returned home. This must be a life time experience for me…..a drowning one.

Since then some thoughts have been troubling me. I am neither afraid of the incident nor has it daunted me away from going tomorrow to swim. But the whole scene doesn’t go away from my mind. I can very well remember my condition and the thoughts that were racing through my mind. Thinking of it now, I wonder how several days of practice were lost in that particular moment. I guess more than swimming with my body I swim with my mind. If my mind gets distracted I forget swimming. What tricky games the mind plays!

The whole body and its actions, my life, all are in control of the mind. And in a flash of a moment the mind can become a slave of just one small thing FEAR. Fear is not a good thing I believe. It can keep you away from everything….progress, success, God…..just anything and everything. And yet I became a slave of fear. What is this life if it is controlled by fear? I say not only about swimming but everything in life. We can call ourselves modern and free…yet we are all slaves of fear. Fear can force us to lie, steal, kill, and even die of our own accord. So aren’t we all slaves of this fear? Several hours have passed since this incident, but my mind keeps on thinking about it. I feel ashamed of myself for feeling fear or rather for becoming a slave of fear. How can I call myself free if I am still under the control of fear? I cannot but help remember a few lines of Shri Rabindranath Tagore. He said them for the country but today they are equally true for me as well. Quote:
“Where the mind is without Fear
And the head is held high
Into that heaven of freedom my Father
Let my country awake!”

Rain Rain Go Away!

2008-07-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

I am writing after a long time and that too to vent out some of my depression. It has been raining continuously since morning and I feel very depressed. There are many more factors of this depression. My kids are sick. My husband is too busy at work to talk to me. I am struggling alone with cranky kids and also with this horribly depressing day.

I wonder how weather can play an important role in lifting or sinking your moods. I remember a few months back also my kids fell ill and it was a bright sunny day with very warm temperatures. My hubby also took half a day off from work to help me through that time. And I didn’t feel so depressed that time. Also my kids have the tendency to fall sick together. My older one brings infections from school and passes them on to my younger one too.

As for today I feel everything is so dark and gloomy. It is actually dark outside because of cloudy skies and also within because of sickness in the home. I too have begun feeling sick now. But I know that it is only a matter of perception. If I begin to look at bright things I am sure I will enjoy the day as well. To start with I should be thankful that both the kids are cooperating so well. They could have thrown some more tantrums to make my life seem like a torture. Also when my husband comes home, he is a great help with kids.

Still this depression will go only once the bright sun shines down through my window and when my kids are up and running around the house again. Till then I can only say "Rain rain go away, Come again another day"!!

BREAKING NEWS!!

2008-05-23T18:17:00.000-07:00

Though it is quite late at night and I have been awake from 23rd may into the next day, but couldn’t help sitting down to write something. Writing has given me a new medium of expression without worrying much about the consequences;-)

Recently the murder of a teenage girl in her own home in Noida has been in the news recently. Thanks to the media, the case has been investigated speedily and some progress is visible after all. Today the news channels were bombarding us with this big breaking news that the teenager’s father has been arrested for murder. It is indeed a Breaking news…a heart breaking one. Whatever may be the case but it is horrifying enough to even suggest that a father could kill his own daughter, that too in a pre-meditated fashion. Even if we give some concession to parents that they can do such a thing in a fit of rage but nothing can explain a pre-planned murder of one’s own child.

Nowadays my son has found a new interest in seeing videos and images of planets, stars, galaxies etc. and when I see these images scaled down it is amazing to see that our very own sun is just a dot from a ball-point pen compared to the other stars of our galaxy. Earth looks non-existent even in our galaxy. On that earth we as individuals are not even there. Still we create the whole universe around us thinking we are at the centre and the whole universe revolves around us. We cannot tolerate if someone does wrong to us. We cannot tolerate our own wrongs to be known to others. We are continuously caught up in a web of jealousy, hatred, anger, frustration and what not. We alone and not God or the Creator hold the keys to others’ lives. Can the urge to hide one’s own wrong doings be strong enough to kill someone? Can our children actually defame us enough to get killed in a planned manner by us?

My mind is in a turmoil due to the shock of this incident. My home in Delhi is quite near to where the incident took place. I am not even able to organise my thoughts over this issue. I get the jitters thinking about that innocent girl alive a few days ago …happy to be alive. Does one deserve so brutal a punishment for being there?

Can we ever think beyond ourselves? Is our one lifetime bigger than the lifetime of this earth?

Outsiders in Mumbai!!

2008-05-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

The hot question in Mumbai these days is one posed by Raj Thackeray, “Why should outsiders be allowed in Mumbai?” It sounds foolish to common people, political to politicians, communal to liberals and what not. But if we try to remove Raj thackeray out of it and politics out of it and communalism out of it I think it is a very serious issue.

From Mumbaikars point of view the influx of outsiders is increasing congestion at all places be it traffic, schools, hospitals and not to forget the most important rail transport of Mumbai. Practically the whole of Mumbai thrives on this rail system. And what a pathetic scene it is to watch people getting in and out of the trains every day. (Some of my near and dear ones are among them.) Also the state is required to deal with providing basic facilities of health, education, employment, residence etc to the migrants. We should give some credit to the state that it isn’t an easy job. It can be too challenging for any administration.

From non-Mimbaikars point of view it is shameful that we are creating regionalism in a country whose lifeline is “Unity in Diversity”. It takes away one’s freedom to move freely in one’s own country. This regionalism can kill our spirit of patriotism to some extent and no doubt benefit our enemies, as history shows. It is humiliating to watch our very own countrymen being attacked, their houses being vandalised in Mumbai just because they are from other states. What is freedom if I don’t feel safe in my own country? Is it any better than being under foreign rule?

So, the big dilemma is should this question be raised or not?

I feel that the influx of people from villages and concentration of population in some selected cities is a serious cause of concern. Something must be done before the cities collapse due to overburdening and before the villages go barren with dying or fleeing farmers. I think we could start by considering it as a problem of the country and of big cities and not as a political or regional problem. Is it possible to make a change by distributing job opportunities all over the country? With increasing technology and shrinking world can we not give Mumbai a respite by taking off its financial pressure? Why do all industries… be it basic commodities, IT, telecom or finance need to be in and around Delhi, Mumbai, Bangalore, Hyderabad and Pune?

There could be many more questions like these. I am sure if a proper brainstorming is done loads and loads of ideas would come out. But it is heart-breaking that all our intelligentsia is a puppet at the hands of unconstitutional morons with vested interests.

Mona Lisa Smile!

2008-05-18T16:05:00.000-07:00

I took some time off to watch this movie made in 2003. I seldom watch English movies but this one I picked because of Julia Roberts. I have watched some of her movies and I like watching them over and over again. I had hardly heard about this movie and the tagline "In a world that told them how to think, she showed them how to live" did offer some encouragement. Julia Roberts plays the Art History teacher Katherine Watson who thinks a bit differently and more advanced with respect to her times.

The movie is set in the times of early 1950s and is captivating. Especially for girls I guess it is a bit liberating. I liked the way the message is brought to fore. The conservative society of the Wellesley college encourages girls to get married even before they graduate. A married girl in class gets special treatment by the teachers and students alike. So even if the girls are intelligent and interested in Law and other subjects, but due to the orthodox environment they are forced to focus more on finding a life partner for themselves and less on finding a career for themselves.The teahcer Katherine Watson encourages girls to choose both--- a career and marriage for themselves. She is not against a particular set of traditions but she wants the girls to consider other options too.

In one particular high pitched emotional scene Katherine Watson shows the class a few slides of advertisements of their times and calls it contemporary art. The advertisements are all of women and their household appliances. She asks the class a question whether they would be liked to be studied by the future scholars of art like this or would they like to bring some change.

I was thinking that it is actually a very good way of putting a continuous check on ourselves....as individuals and as a society. The future generation will judge us on the basis of marks, remnants and fossils we leave behind us. Also, I believe that change cannot come overnight and it should not come overnight. The change that comes gradually is there to stay. Many a times after several attempts we feel that a particular effort is wasted just because we cannot see the results. Probably the change is happening after all. Putting in efforts for change are like trying to break a rock with a hammer. A single blow might not break it or even a 100. But the rock does break in the 1st blow after a 100. This means the first 100 blows did put a dent after all. So, when even we try to bring a change around us in terms of attitude or trends, it might take us a 100 blows before we succeed!

A must watch movie.

An eggless choclate cake

2008-05-02T01:36:00.000-07:00

My friends have been asking for this eggless cake recipe. Eggless cakes don't come out as well as egg cakes. So don't expect too much out of it. Try and let me know the results;-)

Ingredients:
All-Purpose Flour - 1.5 cups
Unsweetened Cocoa Powder - 3 Tbsp,
sifted Baking Soda - 1 tsp
Sugar - 1 cup
Oil - 5 Tbsp (butter especially for baking can also be used)
White Vinegar - 1 Tbsp
Vanilla Extract - 1 tsp
Coke tin - 150 ml
baking powder - 1 tsp

Method:
Before getting started preheat the oven at 180 degree celsius. By the time you are ready with the batter, the oven is heated fully well.

1. In a mixing bowl sift flour, Cocoa Powder, Baking Soda and soda bicarb 2-3 times. this makes the flour very light.Then to this sifted flour add Sugar. Mix well.
2. Add in Oil, Vinegar, Vanilla Extract and coke.
3. Mix the wet and dry ingredients together with a hand blender until there are no more lumps.
4. Pour batter into a greased 9 inch by 9 inch baking pan, two inches deep.
5. Bake at 180 degree celsius for 10 minutes then reduce the temp to 150 degree celsius. now bake for half an hour.Poke a toothpick or fork into the center. If it comes out clean, the cake is ready. Different ovens behave differently, so check nicely before taking out the cake. It is better not to open the oven frequently while the cake is getting baked.
6. Remove pan from the oven and cool for about 5 minutes before flipping it over onto a platter.
7. Cool completely if you want to apply frosting, else serve with a dollop of whipped cream or chocolate sauce.

“A young IT professional commits suicide in New Jersey”

2008-04-28T10:42:00.000-07:00

While watching yesterday’s news, this very small news line flashed across the screen for a few seconds. I went through the whole news on the web and I was shocked to find that he had lost his mental balance after losing his job as an IT professional. He had become a loner homeless after losing his job. It set me thinking how much a job could matter to a person. What sort of people are we raising these days? No doubt people these days have vast amount of knowledge(read information), high paying jobs and a glamorous life. But what beyond that? What about moral values, family values, perseverance, tolerance and contentment? Can't we raise people who feel safe and secure with the thought of a family? Why did this person not feel safe and confident enough to go back to the family in times of distress?

Since I too am from the IT background I can very well understand the amount of stress this job involves. But this stress mostly leads to an unhealthy competition and extravagant ambitions. More than our own capabilities we are concerned about what ‘others’ are not so good at. More than what promotions and ‘hikes’ WE get, we are concerned about how much other person has got. Those great values of working hard and being content with what we are getting have long been lost. We get stressed with others’ achievements. It is always about others and never about us. Also, I used to see that come appraisal time and people are bothered about how others are being appraised and focussing less on our own shortcomings.

Not only in IT but in this whole mad world things are moving in this direction. Who has the latest mobiles and gadgets, who's spending more on lavishness, even if it is not required as an individual for the self , everything turns out to be a mad race. I for one as a housewife don’t need a mobile for more than making and receiving calls and maximum to set a wake-up alarm. But I have seen housewives going mad for the latest ‘Iphone’. And when we ourselves, as parents, are not content with our fate and running madly after materialism I don’t think our children are ever going to get even a glimpse of contentment. I strongly believe that happiness can come from only contentment. Being content does not mean that we stop striving for betterment. Man cannot progress without challenges and higher goals, but we have to be very careful whence it takes a toll on our lives too.

Rebirth of a night dress!

2008-04-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

One day my son Vishnu (5) asked me, "Mum, what hapepns when a person dies?". I said, "he has a soul which goes to God and his dead body is burnt here on earth." He again asked me, "what happens to the soul and what is a soul?". I tried explaining to him in easiest words I could find, what is a soul. Then I said the soul again takes a body depending on its good or bad deeds and becomes a baby on earth. Then again that baby grows, becomes old and dies. He claimed that he understood it all.

After a few weeks, one night I asked him to change into his night suit. And as it is 100 on 100 times he wore a night suit which is of his sister's size who is 2 years old. I always ask him not to do that. But this particular night also he wore that same night dress. In a fit of anger I said,"next time if I see you wearing this night dress, I am going to burn it." He said, "ok fine. then it will become a small baby and start growing up."

It took me a while to connect both the incidents and understand his logic behind this. But when I did, I couldn't stop laughing. It's really wonderful how kids can apply logics to all situations.

माँ के घर से माँ बनने तक का सफर

2008-04-06T06:38:00.000-07:00

While on vaccation we went to Oxford for a day. I stood in awe of the colleges there. Normally when I see any world famous colleges, the first thing I wish is to get a chance to study there. But seeing Oxford the first thing that came to my mind was I hope my children can some day study here. This thought made me think about the changes in me and inspired me to write this. I hope all can enjoy it;-)

आज तय कर आई हूँ वो एक लम्बा सा सफर,
जब मैं माँ बनी छोड़ अपनी माँ का घर.
मैया और बाबुल मानो जैसे गंगा नहाए,
कन्या का दान करके मुझे विदा कर आये.

पहले उड़ती फिरती थी तितली मैं नादान,
आज रखूँ पिया के कुल का मैं मान.

रीतियों को रुढ़ियां मैं कहती थी,
बागी हो आधुनिकता की धारा में बहती थी.
रुढ़िवादिता से अब आ गई मुझको रीतियाँ,
घर चलाने की मैं भी खूब सीख गयी नीतियाँ.

कन्या से कुमारी बनी, कुमारी से बनी ब्याहता,
सोचा, संसार पूरा कर दिया तूने विधाता.
विधाता की माया न कभी कोई जान पाया,
रोता बिलखता नन्हा एक मेरी आँखों का तारा आया.

माँ बनकर तो मेरी दुनिया ही जैसे बदल गयी,
होश गंवाकर कलह मचाकर फिर मैं संभल गयी.
समय ने एक माँ का कर्तव्य भी मुझे सिखा दिया,
मेरी माँ का तप और जप भी मुझे दिखा दिया.

पहले लगता था जैसे मुट्ठी में दुनिया हमारी थी,
अपना मुकाम, अपनी खुशियाँ ही बस हमको प्यारी थीं.
अब तो दुनिया, अब तो मंजिलें बस बच्चों की हो गयी हैं,
उनका चरित्र, उनकी खुशियाँ ही हमको प्यारी हो गयी हैं.

ऊंची शिक्षा, ज्ञान विज्ञान पहले खूब लुभाता था,
नयी खोज, नयी राह, नयी सोच से मन उकसाता था.
ऑक्सफोर्ड विश्व विद्यालय देख कर मन आनंद से भर आया,
बस बच्चे ऊंची शिक्षा प्राप्त करें, अब ये विचार घर आया.

प्रभु, अब तो चारित्र्यवान बच्चों से ही संसार मेरा महकता रहे,
उनकी प्रगति देखकर ही मन का पंछी चहकता रहे.

After a long gap I'm back!!

2008-04-02T15:54:00.000-07:00

We went for a holiday tour of 4 days on the long weekend of Easter. Just a couple of days ago my both the kids were so sick that till the last moment we were double minded whether to go or cancel the trip. Finally we decided to go. I took along all the paediatric medicines I could. By God’s grace all went well. I didn’t require any medicines at all. Children enjoyed the trip too. We hired a car and my husband drove it. We were just the four of us. Initially we were a bit apprehensive on being alone with kids and that too in a foreign land. But as the trip progressed our fears also receded.

Throughout the trip my daughter aged two slept in the whole of car ride. During sight seeing she was full active and craving for attention. The museums seemed boring to her and so it was her right to not let anyone else see it. My son aged 5 was interested only in natural history museums where dinosaurs, reptiles and all the creepy creatures were ready to pounce upon us. I was interested more in art and history of that place. So all three of us had different tastes and priorities. My poor husband couldn’t even tell his priority as he was trying to create a balance between everyone’s needs.

For outdoor sight seeing the weather played a villain. It was too cold. My children were enjoying outdoors in spite of cold. That was the only place where they felt free.

In one particular palace called Royal Pavillion in Brighton, my little daughter Garima refused to acknowledge any restrictions. She strolled free out of her stroller and ventured into the castle.
There were these particular antiques of the 17th and 18th century just for looking and strictly not for touching. They had been protected by thick ropes so that visitors maintained a distance with them. Garima’s innocent mind would know no boundaries. She crossed the rope and in she went. Immediately alarms started sounding throughout the whole castle. Because of the hugeness and enormity of the building it reverberated loudly and immediately the walkie-talkies of all the security guards there, crackled with voices. We were so stunned by the spontaneity of the situation that for a few seconds we just stood and watched. Then it clicked us that we must get her out. My husband brought her out and tied her securely to the stroller, vowing never to release her in the confines of the building. We felt quite embarrassed and apologised to the security guards. One of them in particular said, “No problem, It keeps me awake!”.

My Son's strong will!!

2008-03-04T04:56:00.000-08:00

I really wanted to put down this small incident which fills me with pride for my son.

We are a vegetarian family and normally don't eat eggs. But I in particular am not able to resist cakes and sweets even if they have eggs. My husband does not even eat biscuits and cakes with eggs. He does not want my children also to eat them. I respect his decision and so I don't usually bring such things in the house. I relish them at friends' homes or at parties. Very rarely I bring readymade cakes at home but don't offer to children. My son is extremely fond of cakes and so I make eggless cakes for him at home itself.

Yesterday a friend had come to my home for lunch. She knew that I like cakes a lot so she brought a readymade cake for me. When Vishnu came home she offered the cake to Vishnu. He did not take it. She kept on pestering him,"the cake is tasty. Why are you not eating it…". I said that he will not eat it because he knows that his Dad doesn't want him to eat eggs. She said she wants to hear him tell the reason. After being insisted upon so much he said that he will not eat a cake with eggs. Another friend said that it does not have eggs. She asked him if he could see any eggs in the cake. He said no, but that he knows eggs are put in after "grinding". This was really amazing that though he likes cakes a lot he did not eat it. The whole day cake was lying on the table and he did not once look at it or ask for it.

A few months ago at another friend's house he was sulking for the readymade cake. He was crying horribly and we had to give him that cake. That was the day when his Dad had a talk with him. So to test him further I reminded him of that day and asked him that why did he eat that egg cake then. Feeling a little embarrassed he said that he feels sorry for that. I am really amazed with this boy. He could have been easily tempted as his mother, meaning I was eating. Nor did he once question me that why was I eating it when Dad didn't appreciate it. I was really surprised by the strong resolution he showed.

I thank my stars for having this child. I only hope that I can nurture him properly and he gets a good direction in life. The hardest part of raising the kids, I feel, is to imbibe in them the courage to choose between right and wrong. Being able to identify right from wrong is one step and the next difficult step is to choose the right option after identifying it. If the children can do that, I think character, career, money, name and fame follows automatically. May God be with all of us!!

Friends Are Forever!!

2008-02-15T10:35:00.000-08:00

Today I want to dedicate this writing space to my friends. Friends who came and went at the right times…..friends who taught and showed selfless love, undemanding care and who helped me become a better person. Why suddenly about friends? Well what always triggers me to write is an emotional outburst when any unusual incident takes place.

I came to Ipswich and met lots of people of different types. But as is with nature, the ones who touched a cord in my heart were people like me. One of them was a girl I came to like immensely. I came to enjoy her company in just a couple of meetings. It was so easy to talk to her on any topic of the world. You talk to her about politics, history, mythology, religion, culture, journalism(one of her favourite topics), cooking, household, career, kids, husband, in-laws and the list could go on and on. She seems to listen to me patiently. She can express her views very clearly and confidently. It is not at all necessary to come to an agreement on any topic. She also takes another person’s argument very positively. She is very keen to accept new ideas and views. I never need to explain to her what was meant to be a humour and what was to be taken seriously. I sometimes feel that she is a better listener than me. But the saddest part is that she is shifting from here and I feel a kind of emptiness now.

It is so amazing how we can come to like some people so dearly without any inhibitions. We can just be ourselves with some people, without having to sit on guard to defend ourselves. What we always look in a relationship or friendship is the security of not being hurt. When we strike a cord with a person then we feel so safe and comfortable with that person. Such relationships are easy to make when we are young. Because children and teens are usually without any defences. They are very transparent and selfless. It is so easy to share each others’ very personal things, belongings and emotions at a young age, but as we grow older we tend to become more formal and rigid.

Friends are there to comfort you without demanding anything in return. They never even suspect your motives or intentons. They take you at your face value with great simplicity and lovingness. But when we grow older and “wiser” we begin analysing everyone’s behaviour. We begin suspecting everyone’s intentions. We lose the innocence of childhood. We tend to hurt all our well wishers because we make our thought process so complicated that we cannot even identify them.

I have lost touch with many of my school and college friends. I am in touch with some but we all are so caught up in our lives that it is ages before we catch up with each other. But there are a few friends to whom I don’t have to think twice before talking or writing. They are always there for me and I am always there for them.

I wish I could find more friends like my old golden days. I wish I can be simple and innocent where reaching out to people becomes very easy and smooth. Friends enrich our lives and make it colourful. May God bless all with good friends!

Another poem for my daughter!!

2008-02-10T10:47:00.000-08:00

It is one of the poems I wrote for my daughter. It was in series to my earlier poem itself and feel that I should put it down for long keep. Date of creation----24th December, 2005 Saturday

मेरे भरे पूरे घर में इश्वर ने बना दिया इक झरोखा,

उसमें से इक नरम रेशमी किरण का आगमन होगा.

वो किरण मेरी बिटिया तुम ही होंगी,

मेरी सारी अधूरी आसें अब पूरी होंगी.

सोचती हूँ मैं की इस नन्ही परी की क्या अच्छी माँ बन पाऊँगी

इस जग में भरे सय्यादों से कैसे तुम्हें बचाऊंगी?

प्रभु मुझे धैर्य और हिम्मत प्रदान करें,

अपना संसार तुम खुद रचो ऐसा प्रावधान करें.

तुम्हारा सलोना मुखड़ा जाने कैसा होगा?

चन्दा से उधार लिया इक टुकड़ा, ऐसा होगा.

तुम्हारे दो नैनों में जाने कितने ही अनुराग होंगे,

मेरा जीवन रोशन कर दें ऐसे दो चिराग होंगे.

सतरंगी सी इक छोटी मुस्कान तुम्हारी,

इन्द्रधनुष सी हो जायेगी ज़िन्दगी हमारी.

कर्म स्त्रोत दो कोमल से हाथ तुम्हारे,

जाने मेरे गालों को छूकर लगेंगे कितने प्यारे?

उन्नति के पथ पर ले जाएँ ये दो नन्हें कदम तुम्हारे,

कर्तित्व और विवेक रहें सदा हमदम तुम्हारे.

माँ का आँचल और पिता का साया,

तुम्हारे स्वागत में है हमने पलकों को बिछाया.

Taare Zameen Par!

2008-02-03T15:31:00.000-08:00

Today we went to watch a movie Taare Zameen Par by Aamir khan. It is a splendid movie and it moved me a lot. I cried a lot during the movie. It touches a very sensitive issue of dealing with a child. Parents having small children must watch the movie. My friends also tell me how they were affected by the movie. It is the story of a child who is suffering from dyslexia and whose parents are not able to identify his problem.

The way they treated him for his naughty behaviour and disinterest in studies made me cry. Not because I felt they were doing something wrong, but I treat my child similarly very frequently. I am always forcing him to finish his milk, finish his breakfast, eat food and all other things. I think I am struggling with the boy and that my life is going to remain like this always. But what I don’t do is give him space to breathe. I am always trying to fit him into a routine and always wanting to discipline him. I also feel sometimes that I am sacrificing my life and career for him. Which is so mean on my part, to think of it. No one asked me to do it in the first place. It was my choice and I happily chose it for my child. I wanted to enjoy his childhood and my motherhood. I do enjoy these moments but sometimes I fall into a conflict with myself. Some tough moments come when I begin doubting myself.

In the movie, the boys teacher points out that every parent these days wants a high performer. He comments that such parents should breed horses and not have children. Parents are always trying to impose their own ambitions and dreams on their children. With the increasing competitiveness it becomes so difficult for a child to keep pace. They are not allowed to think freely and express freely. We even try to control what the child should say and what he shouldn’t. We feel very proud when our child learns all that we teach him. Like a parrot he repeats all the niceties.

The movie gives a very good message of how children are just like stars on earth or like delicate flowers. Also what caring is. I know people who feel that they care for children when they bring home expensive toys and gifts and lots of books for their children. But what is required is our valuable time for our children.

The movie has reminded me of all the things I do to my so precious child. I knew all these things
but never inculcated them in my behaviour. I hope from now on I can make my child feel very special by letting him be just himself.

Forgive and forget!

2008-01-30T13:15:00.000-08:00

Today I was having a chat with my friend and she made a statement that she doesn’t forget easily if anyone does any wrong to her. I was wondering if it isn’t the case with all of us! I admire her sincerity and courage that she could openly accept this in front of others. While I have seen people who won’t even admit this to themselves . Why is it so difficult to forget when we are wronged by someone? What good does it do to our own being when we harbour hatred in our hearts?

This topic reminds me of a talk show by Oprah Winfrey. It was all about forgiving and forgetting. There was an elderly couple on the show whose only son had been killed in a motor accident. The driver had been caught and was serving his punishment in prison. Yet this couple could not find peace. Their only hope of life had been taken away; which they could not forget. Day in and day out they were leading a life as bad as hell. Their emotions were a mix of grief, disgust, anger, helplessness and hatred. No amount of sessions at the church or anger management classes helped. Then one particular therapy helped. After this therapy they decided to meet the killer face-to-face in prison. And upon meeting, they said the most difficult and most unexpected three words to him “we forgive you”. After this they were as peaceful as never before.

I feel that when we try to forget any thing wrong done to us, it is actually the beginning of harbouring negative feelings for the wrong doer. We are postponing the revenge for a later date. Whenever similar incident will occur in future or we come face to face with that person again, all the hatred and negative feelings will come to the fore. When we forgive, we let go off all our negativities. When we say that we have forgotten, we actually are thinking that we are doing a favour to the wrong doer. But when we forgive we are doing it for our own self. Forgiving does not mean that we have to buy presents for or have dinner with our wrong doer, it only means that we are getting him/her out of our own system. Forgetting means we are attaching enough value to that person to ruin our life, even in his/her absence. But forgiving means driving him/her out of our whole life. We don’t have to think of that person or of that incident. We just have to carry on with our life as usual. If we forgive from the bottom of our heart we never will even want to talk about it. Believe me, I have known the difference myself, by trying to forgive. Forgiving has given me the control of my life back in my hands. No one else can make me sad when what I deserve is happiness.

Just try it out!!

I Am Free!!

2008-01-27T15:26:00.000-08:00

It is for the first time since ages that I feel free. I have the time to pursue my interests without worrying about any other factors. Earlier what used to worry me most was what other people are thinking of me. This led me to live a life as a prisoner of my self. I don’t blame anyone for this state of mine, but only myself. The biggest mistake I made was to make some rosy picture about life and then keep on struggling to achieve it. Today also no one else has set me free, but myself.

I was living in a vicious cycle of setting very high ideals, then trying to achieve them, then lacking in some of them, then thinking I am a failure, and getting depressed. All this resulted in me remaining always frustrated and depressed. The ones who were being harmed most were myself and my family. The ones I love the most suffered the most. All this is because I could not break myself free from this cycle. But now I feel that doing what I feel passionate about is more important. Not that anyone else was stopping me from doing it but I was a prisoner of my own thoughts. The hurdles are all in the mind.

There were a few things that helped me think straight.

Look back and see life up to at least ten years back from here. The question less important is; have I achieved what I wanted? But more important to ask is have I enjoyed what I did to reach here?
Have I did in the last 10 years , what I have always wanted to do? Like read my favourite authors, watched my favourite shows, had discussions on my favourite topics and made some very good new friends; like the ones I had in school and college time.
Have I met people who inspire me the most? Have I met people who have filled me with energy whenever I see them and listen to them? Do I know everything about what is going on in those peoples’ lives? I believe that not meeting the people of my kind is not fate but my lack of attitude.

I hope this freedom remains with me and I don’t let myself be a captive of my vicious thoughts again!!

my most creative time

2008-01-24T15:49:00.000-08:00

I am not a great writer but I think that if ever there was a creative time in my life then it was the time when I was pregnant with my second child….my sweet little daughter. She is just two years old now and always keeps me on my toes. But when she was an unborn child I was a very happy pregnant mother in the last trimester of my pregnancy. I had only positive thoughts, and nothing negative about anyone entered me. I also had a strong spiritual inclination at that time. Whatever I thought or did was just pure and good. I also had achieved the ability to think clearly (which is long lost now). I am normally an ordinary person. Only as spiritual as anyone else might be and only as good as any normal human being would be. But that best phase of my life I attribute to my then unborn daughter. Though she is not a miracle baby, but for me, at that time she worked wonders. In those days I tried to pen down some of my thoughts in the form of poetry which I am posting here. I had never written before, yet I did a pretty good job I think. Let me know what you think. date of creation---21st December 2005, Wednesday.

एक छोटी सी परी का इंतज़ार है,

उस के लिए दिल में उमंगें हजार हैं.

इश्वर ने जाना है मेरे मन का उतावलापन,

इसलिए तो पूरा किया मेरा संसार है.

छोटी सी गुडिया बनकर महकाना मेरा आँगन तुम,

मेरी दुआओं और अपनी हिम्मत से चूम लेना सारा गगन तुम.

माँ की आँखों की आभा बन जाना तुम,

पापा और भैय्या विष्णु का दुलार पाना तुम.

दादा-दादी, नाना-नानी सब का बनो सदा गर्व तुम,

सर्वस्व को भी पूर्ण कर दो ऐसी हिम्मत रखना तुम.

पापा चाहते बनो तुम खेल सितारा,

भैय्या विष्णु रहे हमेशा सुभद्रा का सहारा.

मझधारों में भी लहरों से न डरना तुम,

साहिल मिल जायेगा, कोशिश करना तुम.

पंख पसार कर ऊंची उड़ान भर लेना तुम,

बुद्धि विवेक रहें तुम में इतना बस कर लेना तुम.

माँ तकती है राह तुम्हारी,

इतने चेहरों में खोजती है सूरत तुम्हारी.

बार बार सोचती हूँ,फिर हंसती हूँ,

क्या तुम होगी छवि हमारी?

मेरा बचपन बीता और आई जवानी,

तुम्हारा बचपन याद दिलायेगा कोई कहानी.

प्रीतम की गलियाँ और प्यार भी निराला है,

पर तुम्हारा आना नया उजाला लाने वाला है.

Some funny and witty questions!!

2008-01-23T15:49:00.000-08:00

I got this list of some funny questions in a mail. I found them amusing and at times ticklish too. Thought all could enjoy them.

1. When dog food is new and has improved taste, who tastes it?

2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

4. Can you cry under water?

5. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?

6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

7. Do fish ever get thirsty?

8. Can you get cornered in a round room?

9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?

10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

11. What should one call a male ladybird?

12. Why do noses run and feet smell?

13. If everyone is unique, doesn't that make all of us the same?

14. If tomorrow never comes, then why make plans for tomorrow?

My First Post

2008-01-22T14:53:00.000-08:00

First of all I would like to take this opportunity to applaud myself on being a woman. Without marriage and children I could have never guessed what it took to be a woman. I believe that women are blessed with a bit extra of everything. A little extra love, a little extra patience, a little extra caring. You name it ….. they have it. I believe women are great at multitasking. They can be mothers, wives, friends, home makers, career women, business women all at one time. I myself was surprised at my multitasking skills that I discovered as my family grew. I plan to use this blog to put down my sweet-sour experiences, challenges, funny moments in all of the above roles. I would also welcome all those out there like me just to make me feel better that I am not alone.

Recently my son joined school after a long Christmas vacation. On the first day itself he had a fight with one of his classmates in which punches and kicks reigned supreme. When I went to pick him up I received a complaint from his teacher. I was upset and resolved to have a nice talk with my son. After pestering him for an hour as to why he had that fight the only excuse he could come up with was that he had forgotten during the vacations that he was not supposed to fight! He also promised me on his own that since the school had reopened, he would now on remember not to fight.