As in many other cases I have observed that a change triggers my muse and many latent questions once again raise their head up. This time the transition from a small apartment to a big independent house in a new area acts as the wild trigger. This small-for-some transition actually triggers the bigger question which I always keep pushing towards the back benches of my mind. The question is-- have I truly become a house-wife? A house-wife these days as per the Census commission is nothing short of a beggar who contributes nothing to the per capita income of the nation. And if there are more house-wives like me then probably a category will be created who always minus the per capita income of a nation.
It all started some 8 years ago when I too was a promising (at least to me) young IT professional with eyes set on the big comfortable chairs in independent posh cabins of the VP. A surprise visit from the stork and I was handling a bundle of joy--my son. Questions began to arise---choose career or enjoy motherhood full time? Anyhow, strong inclinations and a lot of support from my husband helped me put in my resignation and I was a free bird. The journey to becoming a full time mother and wife was not as easy as I had thought it to be. There were moments when I actually repented my decision. Suddenly I discovered I was left to be good at nothing. Till now my job had covered all the flaws of home caring in the pretext of having less time on hands. But now whatever I did had to be the best and it never was. I never matched the standards of good house wives. All my near and dear ones threw away my education and talent to the bin, the moment I was jobless. I was competing against females who had been trained to become home carers right from childhood whereas I had been trained to become an executive (in those chairs I described above). Still I was never good enough. A few years down the line I decided to be my own judge and put all competition down the drain. But not before I had made life hell for myself, my ever supporting husband and my little children growing up ever so slowly.
I don’t know if it is my education or training or my mental set-up but I could never resign myself to be a full time home carer and yet be content with it. I kept trying to find teeny-weeny challenges for myself within the four walls and competed with myself. Yet this did not satiate my hunger to do something. I went through hordes of options like taking up higher education and starting a career in teaching, once kids began school full time. I considered starting a variety of small businesses so that I could keep one eye reserved for home. All these past 8 years were a struggle of their own without any prodding from anyone and yet I was not content. Now I know that a job like IT/MNC with timeless commitments is not for me. Still the bird is not free. I took up learning Japanese language as a prospective future career and more as a way to pass time, make friends and moreover to challenge my rusting brain. I did pretty well in that too. But this part time activity has again become a full time struggle of trying to maintain a balance between me and home. Also now the question is what next? The jobs that I studied for throughout my life now require so much of time that I can't make my family suffer for the jobs. If I take up anything new it again requires a lot of time to settle in that field and I would be so old byt then.
Now as I sit in a new big house like a watch dog watching over, looking after the high maintenance, looking after the kids; the same questions creep up.I have lot of work at hand but less at mind. I have a daily list of pending jobs to do which will actually beautify my new home but not make me a bit happier. The idea of decorating my new home with passion does not fill me with equal amount of joy. Any other content woman would have felt on top of the world in my situation but not me. Yes, I have heard long lectures of so many spiritual gurus and read many a Robin Sharmas on contentment, yet it seems like a mirage to me.
All these things and more make me question my decision again and again. Was I not born to be and destined to be a house-wife? How long will I sail in two boats? When will the transition get over? When can I become a house-wife and yet be content with it? I wonder if there are more females like me or am I the rarest of all? Sometimes I feel that I am becoming very selfish and sometimes I feel I am doing a great job. I know home-caring is a 24 x 7 job and a tough one, but I also know it is the most thankless one. I don’t know if I have earned any brownie points so far but I always have a list of things which I didn’t do. This list --- courtesy of me and my loved ones, keeps on growing longer day by day.
Can someone tell me if the transition from a dreaming professional to a satisfied housewife is ever complete in anyone's case?
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